Say, it’s nice to be able to just write a blog entry here without worrying that someone’s going to think it “doesn’t fit.” 

Meh – another night gone to bed at a really nice, decent hour only to be awakened by my oh-so-considerate neighbors two hours later.

Regrettably, I and “we” (the regal “we,” as in “me professionally”) have parted ways with Lee Golden due to irreconcilable differences regarding the nature and definition of racism and bigotry.  The details aren’t important, I suppose, although one can discern them fairly easily from my recent remarks on those subjects if one wishes.  Personally, I wish him the best.  Professionally, I just can’t trust the judgment of anyone who thinks it’s okay to be bigoted against a segment of society simply because they’re the majority, and so Lee will regrettably not be moving to PNN.

Speaking of PNN, since I was (ahem) up anyway, I’ve been tweaking and adding some infrastructure and “back room” stuff over there like writer’s guides and so forth.  Haven’t had any time to do news gathering, but I hope to get something up today.

School is going well.  Not great, but well.  Mostly the “not great” issues are related to the usual major stress about money, and some things that result from my lack of it – like mobility communication issues.  Having no car and no cell phone tends to leave one rather restricted in 21st-century America.  I would much rather do without a car entirely, but that’s becoming less feasible as time goes by.  I also rather loathe being tethered to a cell phone, but that’s another thing I’ll have to get used to when I can afford it, I’m afraid.

I’m still looking for work.  There are a few promising leads on campus that I’ve applied for, as well as the usual selection of “I’ll take anything, I need income NOW” situations within my reach.

The bearings on the rear wheel of my bike have broken, and now the bike is not rideable   I’m pretty angry about this, that bike isn’t even a year old and I certainly haven’t been abusing it.  I realize it was a pretty cheap bike in the first place, but that’s no excuse for the damned thing to fall apart after 8 months, especially given that two of those months I didn’t ride it at all.   Barring the unlikely event that Huffy goes nuts to make this right (and let’s face it, it’s a low-end bike from a department store, they probably won’t), I’ll be strongly recommending against the brand to anyone who asks in the future.  I realize it’s not a $3500 touring bike or anything, but I still expect a new bike to last longer than six months under normal riding conditions.

Of course, if I wasn’t broke I would have bought a better bike in the first place.  Oh well.  It’s just frustrating, because I not only enjoy riding but I also really need the exercise.

Will probably lose my home internet connection in a week or so.  No money, and I’m just not going to ask for any more, from anyone.  I’m tired of being treated as though all I do is sit on my ass and beg people for money, and no matter how hard I work at what I do with websites and videos and school and public interest work, the minute I have to ask, that’s the attitude I get from the majority of people.  I do appreciate those who have helped out in the past, but I’m sick of being treated like a beggar simply because it’s not possible for me to do everything I do and hold down a full-time job. 

Consequently, I’m going to be doing less of what I do, which I really dislike, since I’ve rearranged and redefined my entire life’s purpose to be “doing what I do,” but that’s life.  I can’t keep putting all my time into an effort that only pays when I am in a panic and ask for help, and there’s no reason I should keep doing so when I’m going to be insulted and degraded every time it comes to that.  If I don’t ask for help, I don’t get any.  If I do ask for help, I’m a beggar and a mooch and lazy and “just using people.”  So I’ll find some kind of work and continue doing what I do, and I’ll continue appreciating the small group of folks who have been consistently and continually supportive (morally and/or financially) of my efforts, and I’ll continue doing the best I can to make those efforts, but the unfortunate reality is that the vast majority of people who could help, don’t, and the vast majority of people who would help, can’t.  So I’ve got to redirect my energy into covering my own ass first and foremost.  I’m sorry for that to those of you who have been so generous as I’ve been trying to make all this happen, but there’s just no escaping it – I have to find real, paying work, and that means I’m going to have far less time to work on creating content.

Chalk up another victory for the forces of apathy, materialism, and greed   Sorry, I didn’t intend this to be a whinefest, but it’s just frustrating.  What I do is worthwhile and good, and it’s really disheartening that of all the thousands of people who visit this site or watch my videos, only a very small handful think that any of it is worth helping to sustain.  If every one of the 100,671 people who have visited this site in the last four years had thrown a single dollar my way, I’d be fine.  If I don’t include one major contributor, I’ve made about 2 cents per visitor.  If I *do* include that major contributor, I’ve made about 12 cents per visitor.  That works out to about $3K per year.  Nobody can survive on that, and the attempt is literally killing me as well as dragging down the few people who do contribute, and it’s got to stop.

As bitter as that sounds, it’s really not.  I love human beings, and I will continue to devote my life to improving life for everyone on this planet in every way I can, but I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing. 

Oh well.  I’ve got a busy day of shooting for class and working on getting some things in order related to my dad’s health issues, I’m going to try again to get some sleep.  Sorry to be so negative – maybe once I get working and am not under constant pressure related to lack of income, my attitude and mood will pick up a bit and I’ll have some happier things to talk about.  It’s just not there right now.

Peace,
-jh