So I’ve been trying really hard to understand all the values and principles of Right-Wing America. I’ve listened carefully to people like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Ron Paul, Ted Nugent, and Eric Cantor so that I can clearly understand where they’re coming from and what they stand for. I have struggled to grasp what is “bad” and what is “good,” what is “moral” and “immoral,” what is “fact” and what is “theory,” what is “freedom” and what is “slavery.”
I think I’ve figured it out, and I want to share it with you because it took a lot of effort and hard work and I figure I can save you a lot of that effort and hard work by sharing the results of my research.
So let’s see if I’ve got this straight.
Big government that feeds people = bad.
Big government in your fallopian tubes = good.
Big government that taxes corporations = bad.
Big government that taxes poor people = good.
Drugs that any idiot can grow with a clay pot and a water supply = bad.
Drugs that are manufactured by giant corporations for profit with questionable benefits = good.
Paying big money to rehabilitate addicts = bad.
Paying big money to keep poor people in jail = good.
Government bailing out families who got caught in the housing bubble and end up screwed when their job gets shipped to Pyongyang or Mumbai or China = bad.
Government bailing out multi-billion-dollar investment firms who make bad financial decisions = good.
Feeding people who are struggling with addiction = immoral.
Letting people starve = moral
Being married and divorced multiple times, refusing to pay child support, and putting your kids up for adoption = family values.
Allowing two people of the same sex who love each other to marry and adopt children = assault on family values.
Paying the government to ensure that everybody has comprehensive health care that might teach them how to take care of themselves and diagnose illness when it can still be treated = bad.
Paying insurance companies for spotty, unreliable coverage that ignores preventative and maintenance medicine and pays only a fraction of real costs for acute care = good.
Paying an extra couple hundred a year in taxes to control costs through negotiated single-payer care = bad.
Paying thousands of dollars more per visit at the doctor so I feel like I'm actually getting some benefit from a private insurer = good.
Doing something that's actually useful and effective to help ensure that people actually have the equality of opportunity we claim to hold as a fundamental principle = bad.
Paying private corporations big money to play constant patching and catch-up games so we can make an artificial show of giving a damn = good.
Imposition of religious law by Muslims is a violation of our fundamental principle of religious freedom. That = bad.
Imposition of religious law by Christians is a reflection of our status as a Christian Nation, and if you don’t like it you can get the hell out. That = good.
Poor black people with guns shooting at police officers = bad.
Rich white people “looking to those Second amendment remedies” = good.
Government saying corporations can’t poison the air = bad.
Corporations lying to people that the air isn’t poisoned = good.
Thirty thousand dollars for a medal rewarding a little black lady who stood up for freedom = bad.
Thirty billion dollars for oil companies that destroyed the Gulf of Mexico = good.
The federal government outlawing hate speech = censorship.
Corporations firing employees for organizing into unions = freedom.
Everyone paying a portion of their income to the government for education and health care = bad
Everyone paying a much larger portion of their income to private corporations for education and health care = good.
Working 60 hours a week at wages that don’t cover your bills = freedom.
Working 37 hours a week at good wages with six weeks of federally mandated vacation = slavery.
Taking money from poor people to pay for rich corporations = good.
Taking money from rich corporations to pay for poor people = bad.
If you make $10,000 a year and pay $5,000 of that in taxes, you’re pulling your weight = good.
If you make $10,000,000 a year and pay $2,000,000 of that in taxes, you’re tax slave victimized by wealth redistribution = bad.
Hard science backed by 150 years of observation and research = just a theory.
Religious myth explaining the origins of the universe in mystical terms handed down from a nomadic middle-eastern tribe = facts.
A liberal lying about a blowjob = bad. VERY bad. Impeachably bad.
A conservative lying about an imminent threat to national security at a cost of thousands of lives and trillions of dollars = good.
Racism and homophobia = free speech.
Opposing racism and homophobia = intolerant.
Critically examining the policies of the government to ensure that it acts in the best interests of the people = treason
Blindly ignoring the policies of the government when they act directly against the best interests of the people for the benefit of large corporations who pay no taxes = patriotism.
Geez, that makes perfect sense. I totally get it now!