Welcome back to the JH show, I’m yer host and all that.

A couple of things I have to get out of the way here. 

First, and this is not directed to any one individual (the particular catalyst has already been dealt with):  I don’t care if I’m sleeping with you or you’re my best friend or we’ve known each other for 1000 years, if you are an ignorant bigot you are not my friend and you are not welcome to be a part of my life.  Furthermore, if you invade my life with your bigoted ignorance by posting ignorant, bigoted updates and comments on social networking sites, you can expect my response - before deleting you from my friends’ list - to be very public, very firm, and very much lacking in regard for your feelings.  There’s enough hate and ugliness in the world, and I don’t need yours; no matter how much I care about you as a person or cherish your memory, I simply can not tolerate intolerance.

Second, I’ve just been informed by my daughter (she literally called when I put the period on the last sentence above), who was told by my dad:  my mom has now been diagnosed with “stage four cancer,” and she has been given three to six months to live.  As we all know, these diagnoses are always broad at best, and even the most virulent cancers have been known to suddenly recede or even disappear completely, but I’ve also never been one to play silly-assed denial games with myself:  both my folks are getting on up there, and they’re both gonna go somehow, some day, just like I am, just like you are, just like everyone who ever was, ever has, so the best course of action for me personally is to deal with it privately, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and keep on keepin’ on.  I love them both deeply…and I’ve despaired for their lives enough over the years – my dad when he was drinking, my mom because she’s refused for years to do even the simplest things that could help prolong and enrich her life – that some of that wall of grief you hit, I’ve already long since been through and dealt with. 

I realize that this is probably not the “normal” set of feelings one has about one’s parents, but then when the hell have I ever been close to normal about anything?  At any rate, it’s helping keep me steady right now.

I say that because I’m concerned that some people may have the idea I don’t care about what’s going on, or that I don’t wish it wasn’t.  Of course I care, and of course I wish it wasn’t, and if God or medical science or the the sheer random insanity of the world choose to make things different, nobody will be happier than I will, and me and my mom will continue to bitch at each other until I’m 100 years old. 

I love my mom, even though we’ve been at each other’s throats most of my life, and losing her is going to hurt me, and anyone who believes otherwise is fully welcome to piss right off and out of my life with a quickness.  No, I’m not going to collapse or wail or wear sackcloth and ashes or what-not; I have an odd sense of privacy, and for me, grief is a private emotion and one that I don’t care to share the intimate details of with anyone (at that, I’m far more expressive than my dad; I’ve seen him cry one time.  I *know* of him crying twice.  Once – the time I saw – when he was hammered, had a leg that was already broken, and managed to trip and bash it into a wall, and the other time when *his* mom died).  Much as I’ve often said I believe religious faith should be delivered according to Matt 6:5, I believe mourning should be done quietly and alone, else one risks tainting it and making it impure – obscene - by turning it into a performance for people who are judging your sincerity and depth of feeling, and I’ll be damned if I’ll make a show of my private emotions just because some other jerk thinks I’m obligated to prove my sincerity to them.  The only way to avoid the natural human temptation to seek attention and approbation is to do it in private.

I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about my thoughts and feelings for years, but for right now I’ll say this:  it is not now nor has it ever been my intention to hurt people or attract attention to myself in discussing this situation, and I apologize if I’ve done so.  I have passed on exactly what I knew, when I knew it, and I was clear that there had been no formal diagnosis made when I spoke earlier; if someone took that information and added to it in their own mind, I can feel bad and apologize for that, but I can’t be responsible for it.

Third:  As my digital and offline lives, past and present, have begun converging over the years, people have begun coming back into my life who maybe have forgotten a bit about who and how I am, or maybe I’ve changed, for the better or the worse, I don’t know.  But I’m seeing something happen that I refuse to tolerate – and if you think I’m talking to “you,” you’re wrong, I’m talking both generally and to a couple of dozen folks I’ve dealt with over the last few months, many of whom have no relationship to or awareness of each other other than knowing me - and I’m putting an end to it right now:  if you want to know what I think, ask me.  If you need my help or opinion on something, ask me.  If you want to know why I am doing something I do, ask me.  I will give you a complete and honest answer, and you’d damn well ought to know me well enough by now to know that I won’t lie to you just for the sake of not hurting your feelings.  If I don’t like you, I’ll tell you, if you ask (and sometimes if you don’t).  If I have a problem with you or something you’ve done, I’ll tell you, if you ask (and sometimes if you don’t).  I don’t dither, mince words, beat around bushes, ignore elephants in living rooms, or walk on eggshells.  I’m not always right, but I’m always straight; If anything, my willingness to be open, honest, and straightforward about my feelings has been one of my biggest FAULTS, so there’s just no excuse for this kind of behavior with me. 

Ever, for anyone.

So don’t talk amongst yourselves or ruminate silently about what I think of your this or why I’m doing your that.  Just ask, and I’ll tell you. Want to know if I’m directing this at you?  Just ask, I’ll tell you.  I’ll even tell you why, if I am.

Just make sure you’re prepared to deal with the answer. 

*wipes hands*

Now that I have that unpleasantness out of the way, the friendlier update: 

The last week or so of my life was a macabre procession of almost comic negativity, one of those weeks where everything I said or did seemed to have negative consequences, and sometimes the consequences had nothing at all to do with anything I said or did but they were still negative for me.  What should have been a good weekend – the last one before new year’s, probably – was crippled by an endless parade of broken alternators, jump-starts in 5-degree weather and high wind after clearing several inches of snow with no gloves and no tools, tow trucks, broken fingernails, and epic fail all around, culminating in my getting far, far more inebriated than the amount of alcohol I ingested at the office christmas party would have indicated.  I seriously doubt I’ll ever tie on more than a small alcohol buzz again.  I really just don’t like the taste or the buzz in the least, and I’m kinda sick of subjecting myself to that nasty shit just for the sake of being social.  Maybe if I’m out with a date and she’s having drinks I’ll have a couple just so the alcohol taste doesn’t ruin the kissing, but other than that meh.

I’ve got a couple new vids shot and half-edited, still working on them as I get time.  Hard to get time as much as I’ve been working lately – all I want to do is sleep when I’m home.

Sorry it’s not a happier update this time around.  It’s just not been a happy few weeks here, but it could always be worse.  Much love to everyone, and my best wishes to all of you for a safe and happy holiday, if we don’t cross paths again before then.

Love.
Conquers.
All.

-jh