I wish I was noble enough to not be sitting here and hoping that whoever is responsible for this situation will one day be forced to deal with their own conscience.
Somebody – who, I can’t say with absolute certainty, but somebody – is blowing smoke up my tailpipe.
Thanks to that person, I am homeless and I am destitute.
Thanks to that person, I may never see my parents alive again.
Thanks to that person, I have zero chance of seeing my first grandchild any time soon.
Thanks to that person, I am at great risk of at least one of my clients’ websites going black – which will expose me to civil liability.
Thanks to that person, this website may go black.
Thanks to that person, I have not slept in three days, and am frankly as close to suicidal as I’ve been since I stopped doing hard drugs ten years ago. I won’t follow through on such a thing – I couldn’t deal with knowing I’d hurt my daughter and my folks and those people in the world who genuinely care about me (a group that, regrettably, appears to be far smaller than ‘those people in the world who I genuinely care about’) – but I’m sure thinking about it.
In spite of that person, I will survive.
In spite of that person, I will succeed.
In spite of that person, I will not become a bitter recluse – even though the temptation is enormous.
In spite of that person, I will not become one of this nation’s chronically homeless.
I’m sorry to everyone reading that my last few entries have not been particularly happy and joyous and funny.
I’m sorry to everyone that in spite of the endless series of compliments and verbal blessings that have come my way over the years – in most cases, unfortunately, lasting only as long as the source considered me useful to advancing their own agenda – I’m not feeling particularly smart, friendly, wise, nice, loving, appreciated, noble, grateful, helpful, hopeful, good-natured, kind-hearted, or advisory.
I’m sorry to everyone that in spite of my constant efforts to avoid it, drama seems to follow me like a shadow.
I’m sorry to everyone that I’ve been reduced to begging – unsuccessfully – for donations in the hope that I might avoid the fate that I’ll be meeting in a couple of hours – relocating to a shelter for the homeless.
I’m sorry that in trusting people and taking them at their word, I’ve allowed myself to become a burden on an already over-burdened society.
I regret to inform the series of individuals over the last several years who have used, deceived, and betrayed me that I will not be stooping to your level.
It may be the will of the Great What-Is-It that I die in the streets…but I refuse to violate my conscience and me ethical code to do so. Regardless of how I get jerked around, I will not allow myself to be reduced to passing that misery on to anyone else for my personal gain.
If I am the last person on earth with a conscience, then so be it. Even if it kills me, I will not degrade myself by treating and using others the way I have been treated and used. I simply refuse.
I have no idea what will happen over the next couple of weeks. I will have limited internet access to e-mail and to post to this blog, if I can manage to keep it online. If the worst happens and I can’t do that, I’ll still be able to at least check in on Facebook every few days. That much, I can do from any public library, even if I have to walk to one.
If anyone out there has the resources and inclination to help…the PayPal donation button is to the right of your screen on this page. You will have my undying gratitude, at the very least.
I have to start breaking things down in a few minutes and getting the rest of my belongings loaded into my van. I’ll make one more post before I go – a container for my latest video.
I wish I was strong enough to not feel the things I’m feeling right now.
I wish I was strong enough to not hope that whoever is responsible for putting me in this situation someday finds themselves reaping the karma they’ve sown.
Bye for now.