Yeah, buddy. Been a while since I updated, busy working on that client site, getting it wrapped up, and of course exploring the abilities of my new 'puter. Next step is gonna be some video editing.
I have a confession to make:
I hate web design.
It's not what I want to do, it's not what I enjoy doing. Oh, don't get me wrong, it beats the hell out of digging ditches, but it's really not what I care about, except in a roundabout way because it's creative. I like creating. I don't like the pressure of creating for someone else. No matter what you do or how you do it, people are going to complain about it. Of course, no matter what I do or how I do it, I complain. Maybe it's a musician thing. I don't know...but I'm just not reaching the people I want to reach and I'm not saying the things I want to say...and man, I'm pushing 40, in the grand scheme of things I don't have a lot of time left to screw around.
So yeah. Chapter 982437 of my life-long midlife crisis, I guess. But what do I WANT to do, you ask?
Make music. Make a difference. I'm giving a lot of thought to doing a series of video shorts, sort of in the same general style as the oooold Denis Leary promos that used to run on MTV, just a guy ranting on a given subject...though I'd like to think I could be a good deal funnier than Leary, since I won't be directly ripping Bill Hicks' material like he does/did. Still, anyone who knows me, knows that ol' JH can rant like nobody's business. And I've certainly got no shortage of things to say...
I remarked to my wonderful friend Tessa a few days ago that I was born about 400 years too late...if this was the 1700's I'd be a philosopher and have a patron to cover my bills, so I'd have nothing to do in life but focus on things that are screwed up, and ways to fix them.
I'm surprisingly happy with my new box. This is the first pre-fab machine I've owned since the mid-90's, so it's a bit of a different experience for me. I suspect that if I had a box with the same specs that WASN'T overloaded with HP's pre-installed crap, it'd be about ten times faster, but what are you gonna do? I'm sick of having things crap out on me with little-to-no-recourse. I'm sitting on about 2TB of dead hard drives full of great photos and music and video that I can no longer access, and it'll ultimately cost me thousands to get that stuff back, IF I ever can. At least if this box goes under, I can send it back to HP and get it replaced.
Yeah, backups. I know. 'Only barber in town' syndrome - so busy taking care of other people's crap I forget to take care of my own.
If ANYONE in Kalamazoo has ANY solid leads on work, I want to know about it. I don't care if it's riding shotgun on a friggin' garbage truck, I have GOT to get the hell out of Oxford, North Carolina. I'm seriously losing my mind here. I don't belong here. I might not belong ANYWHERE, but I damn sure don't belong here.
I need OUT. I need to go someplace where I can shut up, mop the floor, collect my check, pay my WOW bill, stay connected, and slowly amass the necessary equipment to do what I was made to do...and that's reach out and touch hearts and minds and lives, spur a little thought and feeling, and if I'm lucky, maybe put a smile on someone's face.
In a perfect world, I'd somehow lay hands on REAL money and build a nice, secluded villa somewhere north of South Haven, on the beach, fill it with intelligent and beautiful (inside for sure, outside wouldn't hurt but isn't a factor) people who each provide something the other lacks, and we could all work together toward a common goal of a better world through music, art, science, and philosophy.
But this isn't a perfect world, and the clock is ticking. I'll take two jobs. I'll take three, if that's what I need to do. Desperate doesn't even begin to cover it. The entire time I've been here, I've had ONE job that was actually worth a crap...and ironically, it was for a gigantic international telecom. Everything else has been an exercise in humiliation and despair.
I don't know whether it's a sign of strength or insanity that I've managed to keep my head mostly bolted together for this long. I've seriously considered just opening the door, putting one foot in front of the other, and walking until I end up somewhere, that's what my world looks like right now. I'll find a place to stay. I'll sleep in my van if that's what it takes, but I have got to go home. It's time for a major, major change of focus for ol' JH, and the focus now is on going home and getting back to being who I really am...and damn near nothing about my life in NC from day one has been about who I really am.
Eh, enough of my bitching for now. I'll be back soon with another update, hopefully one that's a little more upbeat and entertaining than this one. Sorry for the drudgery...but hell, if I can't vent on my own blog, where can I?